Paul's Joke Collection


Have you ever told the receptionist that you have a "personal problem." And she says "Ah...You can keep the pen, we wonít be needing that anymore."

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

Patients

1. Thereís a new diet. You can eat whatever you want, but If the Food Tastes Good, You Have to Spit it out.

2. I told a patient that he had cancer, then I told him that he had Amnesia. He said "Thank god I donít have cancer."

3. I told him, because of your amnesia you will need to pay in advance?

4. The new weight loss pills are so big you can't fit anything else into your mouth.

5. You get to the emergency room and say "I'm dying". The nurse says sit over there with those people, they're dying too.

Medical Facts

1. Scientists just developed a new artificial Liver. And apparently it tastes very good with Artificial Onions.

2. There are two bacteria that can kill you within seconds, flesh eating bacteria and gonorrhea because gonorrhea can kill you in seconds if your wife finds out.

3. A surgeon was operating on a patient when I asked him, "What are we operating for?" The doctor said, "Five thousand dollars." "You don't understand. I mean, what does he have?" "I told you. Five thousand dollars!"

4. I asked a patient, "If I thought an operation was required, could you afford it?" he replied "If I can't afford it would you still think it was required?"

5. I know a Surgeon who is very strict about being paid, -- he did a Vasectomy and the patient wasnít able to pay. Well, the surgeon went and got the patient's wife pregnant.

6. A patient told me he had an itch, and I diagnosed an allergy. He asked what was the difference between an itch and allergy. I told him, "about fifty dollars."

Current Events

1. I recently met Lorena Bobbits Gynecologist. He had to retire because he only had FOUR fingers left.

2. I was listening to a woman's lungs recently, and I said "Big breath, now". And she said "thank you but they're silicone implants."

3. The FDA recently took silicone off the market. Fortunately Reebok has come up with a solution. Its called the Pumps. pump up at night, different sizes depending on their mood.

Medical School

In medical school, studied very late, we didn't drink the coffee, we put the coffee in IV lines. Take the IV out and immediately went to sleep. Put the IV back in and wakeup.

Dysuria "I never tried to light it on fire"

Asian Culture

Black jacket tie,. People ask me "When are you going to take my order... and no MSG!!"

Most Americans doesn't realize that the first inhabitants of America were Chinese who crossed over into Alaska, and eventually became the American Indians. These first Chinese Americans drove sleds, and even back then they were terrible drivers -- when they first came over they turned on their left hand turn signal, and itís still on.

When I first came to America my friend offered me a hot dog. I told him No. Thats one part of the dog we DO NOT EAT.

4. Why you canít take a Japanese person fishing -- they eat all the bait.

When I first came to California I had difficulty communicating because I didn't know the language. I didn't know Spanish.

5. Have you heard of the new Oriental system for weight reduction? It makes a lot of sense. You eat for an hour but you only use one chop stick.

6. After you eat Chinese food, you always feel hungry a few hours later. My wife, she always wants it again in an hour.

Closing Joke: Prescriptions so ilegible -- there was a doctor who turned to kidnapping -- He wasn't very successful because no one could read his ransom notes.

Patients often ask, " Why is your handwriting so sloppy?" Well, I wrote the reason down on this prescription. You can't read it. It says "Its because its none of your business what we are prescribing for you".

Doctors

1. Three doctors internist surgeon, family practitioner duck hunting. Surgeon sees bird and says "Duck and fires", and the bird drops to the ground. The internist sees bird and says "Duck -- rule out quail, rule out pheasant, rule out pigeon" and the bird flies away. The Family Physician sees a bird, and he fires his shotgun four times, and he says "I donít know what it was but Iím damn sure I killed it"

2. Rules of Dermatology: If its wet dry it, if its dry, wet it. If the patient is on steroids, take him off steroids. If the patient isnít on steroids, put him on steroids. If you know what the rash is, you donít need to touch it. If you donít know what the rash is -- you sure as heck donít want to touch it.

Savers

Yes that wasn't funny, the next thing you know you will all be giving me apples.

In LA, the doctors treat their patients like a King -- Rodney King.

Is this group here to for the comedy or are you here to see the proctologist.

I'm glad I didn't give up my day job.

You're a nice audience. The last audience I had vomited on me.

New Jokes

1. A doctor said to a beautiful young patient, "So far I don't see anything wrong with you. Keep undressing!"

2. A nervous man, accompanied by a nagging wife, was examined by the doctor. Studying the man's chart, the doctor nodded and wrote out a prescription for a powerful sedative. The man asked, "When do I take them?" The doctor said, "They're not for you. They're for your wife!"

3. The doctor examined a woman and said, "You're anemic." She said, "I'd like a second opinion." The doctor said, "You're ugly too!"

4. The only way to get a doctor to make a housecall is to marry him,

5. A lawyer is a man who prevents somebody else from getting your money.

6. Sobbing, a young nun came out of a doctor's offce. A priest saw her, asked why she was crying, and, upon learning the reason, stormed into the doctor's office. Furious, the priest said, "How dare you tell that to a nun?"The doctor said, "Got rid of her hiccups,didn't it?"

7. "My right foot hurts." "It's old age." "How come my left foot doesn't hurt? It's the same age!"

8. I tell my patients that inside every fat person thereís a thin person waiting to get out -- or in some cases two thin persons.

9. In a fancy restaurant, a man started to choke on a bone. A doctor rushed over and gave him the Heimlich Maneuver. The bone popped out. The man was saved. The man asked, "What do I owe you?" The doctor said, "I'll settle for a third of what you were willing to pay while you were choking."

10. "Doctor, should I get a second opinion?" "Why not? Come back tomorrow."

11. Sexually transmitted diseases, are so common sometimes I have to order bedrest -- that is Stay out of bed for three weeks.

12. I'm beginning to wonder about this doctor, Yesterday he rushed eight patients to the hospital in an ambulance. Then he found out his stethoscope was broken.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease,

combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following,

your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make

sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal.

For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day.

Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress

worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several

times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the

next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health

completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.

"What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

Miscellaneous Bad Jokes

1. It is a medical fact that short people have 40% increase chance of heart disease. Which is why I'm planning to go out and buy a pair of elevator shoes.

2. Health care reform financed by cigarette tax and alcohol tax, the bad news is that every man woman and child will need to smoke 3 packs a day and drink a six pack a day to raise enough money. Then Clinton wants to put restrictions on smoking. I don't think he understands capitalism.

3. Asian stereotypes brainy, good at math, know Karate

4. Sometimes when I'm with my asian friends we get out at a stop light and change seats. I thought this was normal, but my white friends call this a Chinese Fire dirll.

5. In med school, students learn about a disease, then they believe they have the disease. I thought I was pregnant.

 

6. Most patients don't ask about their doctors training, medical school, board certification -- But I'll tell you one thing that all women know about their doctors "wether their married" Isn't it true, women can't resist checking if their doctor has a wedding ring.

7. Put me back on my feet. To pay his bill, I had to sell my car.

8. Medications are so expensive -- they never mention that one of the worst side effects - is bankruptcy.

9. Exercise is also very important backward on escalator for stairmaster.

10. Doctors are basically people who amuse the patient while nature cures the disease.

11. Why do doctors make their patients wait so long to be seen. To allow the disease to progress so that it is easier to diagnose.

 

12. My doctor just divorced his wife and I don't blame him. Every night, just before they got into bed, she gave him an apple.

13. A lawyer called an electrician to do some home repairs. The electrician charged 100 dollars an hour. The doctor said, "100 dollars? I don't make that as a doctor." The electrician said, "Neither did I, when I was a doctor!"

14. Doctors ask you to set an appointment six months in advance. How do you know when you're going to become sick?

15. The doctor was busy, and it took hours to check all of his patients. Mr. Smith said, "It's a shame you couldn't see my illness in its early stages."

16. My doctor discovered a cure for which there Is no disease.

17. My doctor Is so busy, while In his waiting room I caught another disease.

18. My doctor is mean. He keeps his stethoscope in the freezer.

19. Cure: what a doctor does to a disease while killing the patient.

20. A doctor kills you today to prevent you from dying tomorrow.

21. I was at death's door--and my doctor was trying to pull me through

22. can't sleep, coffee, naps; I can't imagine why you can't sleep

23. Fatzac

24. Some patients are late paying their bills, The only sure thing to make them pay is if they contract a new disease. They somehow seem to pay up.

25. Comatose patients, what if they like being comatose.

27. Names of drugs, never name them for the way they make you feel

28. Sex selection male sperm swim faster.

29. Doctors never go to hospital when sick

30. why don't doctors tell you about side effects. senility,

31. Politicallly correct, dog= canine american. health impaired. cocaine challenged. doctor =

Hypochondiracs

weight loss

Pathologist joke.

Flamablility of freon liquid.

Trust me, I'm a doctor.

birth control

pelvic exams

rectal exams

menopause

pms

ego of doctors

golf

hernia exams

mimmicking patients drug users, neurotics, psychotics.

money, salaries,

health reform worries

liposuction

plastic surgery

impotence

Psych patients

Rhogain

second oldest profession

Smoking patches

Patient questions

headaches

weight loss

setup creates anticipation. Induces the audience to listen to you.

Punch delivers the laugh. Forces them to react. Offbeat, absurd, unexpected reaction to the setup. Contrasts the setup with the unexpected. Setup can be followed by multiple punches. Punch betrays expectations, surprises.

Tags - quick followup punches.; Capper - last in series of tags.

setup (information) punch (exaggeration).

Ranting statement of something you believe or don't like followed by exagerated statement. "If I wanted to .... I would have ...."

Setup starts to tell the truth and should try to make it true. Good setup manipulates audience to anticipate one thing , then presents the unexpected. Such as setup (friendly) Punch (hostile). Unexpected twist or extreme exageration. extreme sarcasm. unexpected exagerational description.

setup (information) punch (Switch) changes the meaning of information in the setup in a clever, unexpected way.

Setup (realistic) Punch (preposterous)

Setup (sane) Punch (insane)

Setup (normal) Punch (loony)

Setup (informational) Punch (Hostile)

realistic fantasy

general theme specific example

adults view child's view

sarcasm about outer self items -- height, age, race,

Other Formulas

Comparisons

Similes -- Something is like a something ... followed by unexpected exaggerated explanation

Observations -- follow by funny simile or reaction; Attempt to make sense out of a nonsensical observation

Mimicking pretend to be something else and act out thoughts of other in unexpected, hysterical, neurotic manner

Acronyms - funny abbreviation meanings.

Endorsements.

Basic Reverse - "and that was just the women" Play on words; gender reverse, situation reverse.

List making first two are logical, last one is exagerated, significant, contrasting.

Callbacks, referenct to something you said earlier. exaggerated

Style = name, occupation, where you are from,

Steve Plasky phone wow-yuks

References Robert Orbin Joke collections;

Melvin Helitzer "Comedy Writing Secrets"

Reader's Digest

Comedy Writing Secrets Melvin Helitzer.

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